


Better.

by spark_M



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Feed Him, Felix is sad, M/M, Self-Harm, felix is too skinny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-06-29 10:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15727425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spark_M/pseuds/spark_M
Summary: Better.Felix had always wanted to be better.Felix, he had always been trying to get better at something. His Korean, his rapping, his dancing-His weight.orFelix has body image issues and starts self harming. His friend Woojin is always there for him.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Better.

 

Felix had always wanted to be better.

Felix, he had always been trying to get better at  _ something _ . His Korean, his rapping, his dancing-

His weight.

Felix had always been on a diet. Every month, they would be weighed by the company and be told their diets. Felix had been told repeatedly that he needed to lose weight. 

He had compiled every time.

With each and each time he was told to get skinner, to get  _ better _ , his meal sizes shrunk until he barely ate one meal a day.

He became skinnier and skinnier. Even when the company told him that his weight was below average, he kept going.

He needed to be skinner. 

Needed to be better.

  
  
  


There was a time where the members noticed how little he was eating, they talked to him about it. Felix told them that  _ he was fine, there’s nothing to worry about _ . From then on, he made an effort to eat around his members, he tried to eat a lot when he was on a broadcast but as soon as it was finished, he would excuse himself to the bathroom and throw it back up. He needed to be skinnier. Better.

 

It had been Woojin who had found him one day, after a lunch meeting with JYP. Two short fingers down his throat and trying to make his gag reflex work.

Woojin hadn’t freaked out, hadn’t yelled at him. He had just gathered Felix in his arms and let Felix cry into his shirt.

“Let’s go to a park hmm? You always talk about the hidden section of the park you found, take me there.”

Woojin had helped Felix get up from his place in front of the toilet bowl and had hugged him tight again. 

“Lead the way.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

They arrived at the secluded part of the park which had an old bench, it wasn’t really hidden but there were a lot of ivy's in the entrance and nobody wanted to go through it so it was mostly abandoned. They sat down on the bench. After a silence which seemed like forever to Felix, Woojin spoke.

“It’s ok, I understand.”

With only those 4 words, Felix started crying again. He had been so anxious of what reaction Woojin would give, even though he still didn’t know what Woojin was thinking, at least Woojin  **understood** . 

“Hey, hey. It’s ok. Look at me”  Felix turned his head towards Woojin, 

“let’s talk ok?” Woojin asked with a soft voice. His face was laced with worry, Felix felt so bad that he was the cause of that expression. He had fucked up again. He  made another person upset.

Felix didn’t want to talk. He just wanted to go and hide somewhere, anywhere but here where he would have to face his best friend.

But he knew he would never do it unless it was now.

 

“I just want to be better.” Felix whispered. He started crying even harder. Where was the wrong in wanting to get better? Why couldn’t Woojin understand and leave him alone?

 

“Baby, you’re already perfect. What makes you think you aren’t?” Woojin had tears of his own now. Felix didn’t understand why he was crying. 

 

“Can’t you see?! I’m worthless! I’m ugly and fat! The company says so themselves!  and I try so hard to push those thoughts away but they’re facts! Everyone knows these! Why do you guys even pretend that I’m valid! I **’m fucking useless!** ” Felix was sobbing now, he didn’t even notice he had slipped into his native language. His thoughts were too much, everything was too much. He couldn’t breathe. Oh god why couldn’t he breathe?

 

“Felix, focus on me ok? You’re having a panic attack.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im writing these even though i know they arent really accurate. i am sorry if i offend anyone. im posting it to get feedback because im going to do more research and i hope y ou can give me tips on how i can improve! im going to write it again when i finish and post the story.


	3. Chapter 3

“Felix, breathe with me alright? Just breathe.” Woojin’s  words seemed so far away but he so desperately tried to listen. Breathe. He could do that.

“In”

Felix inhaled.

“Out” 

Felix exhaled.

“In” 

He was worthless.

“Out” 

He was a failure.

“In” 

He should just give up.

“Out” 

Not now.

“In”

He can still fight it.

“Out”  

 

After a couple more minutes of doing it, Felix managed to even out his breathing and calm down.

“Do you want to talk more?” Woojin murmured quietly as if the sound would break Felix.

“...”

“ I’m taking that as a no then.”

Felix nodded his head. He didn’t want to talk more. He just wanted to go to his room and sleep. He hadn’t even gotten the food out of his system and he knew that it was too late now. Uncountable amount of calories added to his already too much weight.

 

“Can we go home?” Felix said quietly while looking down at Woojin and his intertwined hands. It was a gesture that Woojin did, whenever Jeongin was too nervous, Chan couldn’t sleep or Changbin had a nightmare, he would hold their hand and rub small circles. It was a gesture that Felix was glad for, he longed for familiarity. He felt so out of it. He didn’t feel like his body belonged to him, his brain was working too fast for his body. He just wanted it to be over. He wanted to sleep.

“Of course.” Woojin said with a small smile. Glad that Felix was calmer.

 

* * *

 

They made their way to the dorm in silence. Their hands still intertwined. Felix was feeling so many emotions, he was angry at Woojin, he knew that Woojin wouldn't let him do what he was doing. He felt guilty, he felt guilty because he had seen the expression on Woojin's face, he had seen the tears he had caused on his hyung's face.  He was glad. He was glad that someone knew. He was glad that a little bit of weight was lifted off his shoulders but he was again guilty because he added so much to Woojin's.

When they arrived at the dorm, everything was normal. Seungmin was chasing Jeongin around, Hyunjin was reading a book, Changbin and Jisung were on their phones, Chan was listening to music and Minho was probably sleeping since he wasn't in the living room. Everything was so  _normal_. Felix felt as far away from normal as it goes, he knew it would change between his friend and him. God forbid if the others knew it would be so much worse.

"Oh you're back! Did you enjoy your ice cream?" Chan asked from his spot on the couch, he had taken out one of his earbuds to hear their answer. Felix only assumed that Woojin had texted them saying they were going out for ice cream.

"Yeah, it was nice." Woojin answered shortly. Felix just kept looking at the ground.

" **Hey Felix, you ok mate? you look tired** " Chan asked in English, he had a soft smile on his face, the smile was there to comfort him, but it made him feel worse. 

**No I'm not.** He wanted to tell Chan.  **I just want it to end, this state of dysphoria I'm in.**

" **Yeah I'm ok hyung. Don't worry. I'm gonna go sleep now.** " He told the fellow Aussie. Woojin seemed to understand enough of the conversation and he started pulling Felix into his room. 

Soon enough, Felix was changed into his pajamas and under the covers. Woojin joined him after he changed too.

"Sleep well Felix." Woojin whispered.

So Felix fell asleep. Finally escaping his thoughts for a while.

* * *

 

20 minutes after Felix had fallen asleep, Woojin started to cry.

He was so furious. How could Felix do this to himself? How bad had the company pushed him? Why hadn't Woojin noticed earlier?

When he noticed his sobs were becoming too loud, he exited the room to go to his own.

He pushed the door open without realizing that Chan was inside their shared room. Chan looked up and saw Woojin crying, he immediately stood up from his place on the bed.

"What's wrong hyung? Are you ok?" Chan was so caring, his eyes soft and laced with concern. Woojin started crying even more, he needed to be strong if he was going to help Felix and he had sworn to himself that he would help Felix.

"Please just hold me" Woojin said barely above a whisper before falling into Chan's outstretched arms. Chan led them to the younger's bed and they laid down. Woojin with his face buried in Chan's shoulder and Chan whispering soothing words to his ear and stroking his hair.

After about 10 more minutes of whispered "It's ok"'s and "I love you"'s Woojin calmed down enough to whisper an "I'm sorry"

"What are you sorry for hyung?" Chan asked while wiping Woojin's tears away. Right, Woojin had been so focused on Felix that he had forgotten about his self promise to not be too close to Chan because of his blossoming feelings. He chose to ignore the fact for now, he just wanted someone to hold him, to take care of him.

"I'm sorry that I can't take care of you guys, I am sorry that I keep bothering you with my problems." Woojin started pulling his lower lip with his teeth, a bad habit which never seemed to go away.

"Woojin, I know you feel the need to take care of us because you are the eldest but you can?t shoulder all the responsibility, besides, we all are taking care of each other, you don't need to be worried. And don't you dare say that you are sorry for coming to us for comfort, we will all always be there for you."

They stayed silent for a moment, Woojin letting the words sink in and to remember them for later.

"But that's not all, is it?" Chan asked, still caressing his cheek softly. Woojin wanted to tell him what he had witnessed Felix doing, wanted to ask him for help but he couldn't. It wasn't his secret to tell.

"Yeah, it's not all but I don't really want to talk about it." Woojin said, his voice shaking. 

"That's ok. Whenever you feel comfortable, you can tell me." Chan said with a slight smile, his dimples showing slightly.

"Thank you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! im sorry for not updating. my school just started and i was busy with that. i have some specific points in the story that i would like to show so prepare for angst ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	4. Chapter 4

 

After about 10 minutes or so, Woojin got up from Chan’s arms much to his distaste.

“Thank you” he murmured quietly while looking down at his feet. Then up to meet Chan's eyes.

“Anytime” Chan said softly while giving him a dimpled smile.

 

At times like these, Chan was so beautiful. No, scratch that, he was beautiful no matter what he was doing. When he was singing his heart out, when he stayed at the studio until 4 am, had bags under his eyes and somebody had to drag him out of the studio. He was always just.... **gorgeous** . Woojin just wanted to hug him, hug him close and kiss him right then and there.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

The group didn’t know that he is gay. Woojin didn’t really know how they would react. 

They would probably be supportive, seeing as hadn’t looked uncomfortable or disgusted when they lightly touched on the topic but it still made him anxious. He knew Hyunjin and Felix are catholic and might not accept him. He didn’t want them to be disgusted with him, for their friendship to fall apart because he was selfish enough to bother them with that piece of information. Jeongin could go both ways, either really good  -because he is young and was shown what being gay is- or  _ really _ bad. Woojin knew what jokes the boys his age made. Woojin was just so  _ afraid _ .

“Hey Woojin, Hey” Chan was calling out to him softly. Woojin had spaced out again. 

 

“ I want to help you in any way I can, if you want to talk, cry or just need someone by your side, I would be happy to help.”

 

Woojin wanted to cry.

He wanted to cry because Chan was so caring, so wonderful. Woojin hated himself because of how Chan’s simple words affected him so much. He felt butterflies in his stomach, his heartbeat sped up.

But he knew Chan only meant it as platonic and it  _ hurt _ .

Woojin knew Chan meant the words, but just not in the way Woojin wanted him to. He only meant it  **platonically** , “It’s what best friends do” Chan had told him once, it had stung just as much as it did now. 

Friends.

But Woojin wanted more.

He wanted to hold Chan’s hand and kiss his cheek. He wanted to take Chan on dates at the park and kiss him under the moonlight. 

He wanted to love.

He wanted to  _ be loved.  _

 

“Thank you so much, you don’t know how much that meant to me.” Woojin gave Chan a reassuring smile.

Woojin could only hope that Chan didn't pry any deeper

 

 

* * *

 

Felix woke up with someone in bed with him.

As he started to come to his senses, he remembered the events that took place yesterday. Was it yesterday? It was dark inside the room, maybe the others let him sleep past dinner?

Oh

Did they let him sleep past dinner because they didn’t want him to eat? Because he needed to lose weight?  **Maybe they did the right thing** Felix thought to himself.

When he was busy with his thoughts, the figure started to slowly wake up. Felix thought it would be Woojin, seeing as Felix had fallen asleep in his arms.

But it was Changbin.

 

**Fuck**.

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry that I took long to update! I know that its short and im sorry :(( I have school and its kicking my ass rn. i hope you enjoyed the chapter! The next chapter will be more felix centered dont worry. ive got plans *evil laughter*


	5. Chapter 5

 

At that very moment, Felix knew he was fucked.

 

Had Woojin told anyone? He wouldn’t have… Right? But if he didn’t, why was Changbin cuddling with him? Changbin usually prefered his plushie, Gyu to sleep next to, not a human. Why was he next to him? Was it because Woojin had told him and he wanted to comfort Felix?

Fuck

 

Changbun turned around in his sleepy haze and blinked his eyes open.

He looked  _ adorable _ .

His face was swelled up just a but and he had an adorable pout. Felix honestly didn’t understand the people who called him ugly. How could you not see the beauty of Seo Changbin.

“Good morning.” Felix whispered to Changbin, who threw and arm over Felix’s waist and pulled him closer. Felix hoped that Changbin wouldn’t notice his quickening heartbeat.

“Good morning.” He murmured back.

“What time is it?” How long had he been asleep for? A panic attack and crying so much had exhausted him. He didn’t even want to think about the meal he ate, how many calories were added onto his disgusted body. Would they be seen on his stomach? His arms? His thighs?

Why was he not one of those people who ate anything they wanted and didn’t gain weight? How many days did he have to starve himself until he was perfect. Until he was better.

“ I think around 7pm? Let’s go check.” Changbin said as he sat up, oblivious to Felix’s inner turmoil.

“Ok.” Was all that Felix said. After a second, he asked the question he had been wondering about.

“Why did you sleep next to me? I mean I’m not complaining but why?” Felix was afraid of what the answer would be, what would happen is Changbin knew?

“You looked cuddly and warm, I wanted to sleep.” He replied and shrugged. There was a little pink colouring his cheeks but Felix didn’t know if he was blushing or it was from sleeping. He assumed the latter.

“Oh ok.”

“I won’t do it anymore if you aren’t comfortable.” Chanbin said as he looked at the floor, he seemed angry at himself.

“No.. I actually really like cuddling with you hyung.” Felix admitted. He was blushing, he hoped that Changbin couldn’t see his face reddening.

“O-Ok then” Changbin said as he gave a small giggle. They stayed silent for a couple seconds.

“Let’s go to the living room. Shall we?” Changbin suggested.

“Yeah,ok.” Felix said, not making eye contact with him.

When they walked into the living room, everybody was there. Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jeongin were watching Youtube videos together, Jisung was on his phone and so was Minho. Chan and Woojin were sitting next to each other. Chan had his arm around Woojin’s shoulders as they were watching TV together. When Felix and Changbin came into the room, Woojin looked away from the TV screen and made eye contact with Felix.  He mouthed 

“ _ Are you okay?” _

Felix wasn’t okay, yet he smiled and nodded his head. They could talk about it later, maybe just not now.

“Oh hey guys! We saved some food for you, it's in the kitchen, you can go eat now!” Chan said with a smile. Felix didn’t want to eat. He wasn’t even hungry, he had lost his appetite which was never there in the first place.

“Thanks hyung but I’m not hungry, I ate a lot at lunch,” Felix told Chan while avoiding Woojin’s gaze. “I’m just going to go to my room and listen to some music.” With that he departed to go to his own room once more. He could hear someone getting up from their seat and following behind him, he assumed it was Woojin and kept walking to his own room. He knew he couldn’t evade this conversation any longer. Better get it over with.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

 

Felix arrived at his room and sat down, he waited for the door to open and for Woojin to enter. Soon after, Woojin did enter his room and sat down next to him and started speaking.

 

“I’m sorry that you have to go through this. But remember that there’s people around you who are willing to help you and will help you. I don’t know if you want to tell the others yet, even if you don’t, I will be here for you. I want to help you.”  Woojin’s words were followed by his actions which were small touches on his arms, petting his hair and holding his hand. T

hey were comforting, mixed with Woojin’s words, Felix finally told his story to Woojin,

 

He told Woojin about how he had so desperately wanted to move to South Korea from Sydney when he had passed the audition. Told him about how he hadn’t expected it to be as hard as it was with all the constant work, constantly getting criticized for everything, there always being eyes on him. He hadn’t expected to miss his home so much, his friends, his family. He told Woojin about the nights he cried himself to sleep because of how overwhelming everything was.

 

He told Woojin about how the company had  _ encouraged  _ Felix to lose weight, how the dietitians had given him diets which made him lose more of his confidence. How he was pushing himself to be better. How it had become obsessive because of how ugly and fat he was, how he didn’t believe himself to be talented after meeting so many people who surpassed him with minimal effort.

 

Woojin let him finish, didn’t interrupt him, wiped his tears away. Then, he told him how every single bad thing he had said about himself was wrong.

Felix listened to Woojin telling him that he was perfectly fine in weight, that he left many people breathless with his looks, how his talents left jaws agape. Felix wanted to believe him, he really did, but he just couldn’t. 

After all, words only get through if they’re sharp.

* * *

  
  


From that day on, Woojin helped Felix, little by little, he started not throwing up after meals, he still tended to fall back to dark places and claw at him skin, call himself insults and throw up again but Woojin never got mad. He helped Felix bounce right back, he understood that it would take a process to improve. He was still quiet, he didn’t talk unless spoken to, he didn’t joke around as much, and with the preparations for their new album I AM: NOT, nobody seemed to mind that he wasn’t joking around as much as he used to. He stuck to Woojin’s side, Woojin was always there for him to lean on, he stayed by his side when Felix wasn’t having a good day, he would feed him compliments, hug him and kiss his forehead. He mostly only smiled when Woojin was with him.

 

He noticed how the maknae line got a bit upset over the fact that he wasn’t with them as much anymore, but he just couldn’t manage to pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. 

It all went downhill the day Jisung asked Felix to come to his room to have a chat.

Woojin had given Felix a look which seemed to be asking  _ Will you be okay?  _

Felix nodded his head and followed after Jisung onto his room, seeing the tension in Jisung’s shoulders, Felix began to worry; had Jisung found out somehow? What would he do?

“I noticed that you haven’t been yourself lately.”

Jisung serious tone startled him, there had been only a handful of times he had seen Jisung this tense and serious.

“What? I’m perfectly fine! What are you talking about?” Felix said all to quickly, and Jisung noticed it.

“Look, I know you are going through something and I want to help. I desperately do, but you won’t let me in.”

“Jisung I’m fine, you don’t need to worry.” Felix reached out a hand to rest it on Jisung’s arm, only to be shaken off.

“No you’re not! And I can see it, how you have gotten thinner, how you barely talk!”

“Jisung please-”

“I’m supposed to be your best friend for God’s sake!” Jisung’s voice was increasing in volume, Felix was sure that the others in the living room could hear them, even if he hoped they wouldn't able to.

“You never talk to me anymore, you just keep in your room or you're with Woojin hyung! I’m sick of it Felix! Just tell me what’s going on!” Jisung’s tone was pleading, angry. It made Felix irritated and sad that he would speak to him without knowing what was going on with him.

“Jisung I have my own reasons to-” Felix was cut off by Jisung.

Jisung was shouting, it was loud, so loud. Felix wanted to cover his ears and disappear. He had started crying at some point, telling Jisung to stop.

“Don’t even start with that bullshit! Just say it dammit, I’m trying to help  _ you  _ and you’re not cooperating!” 

“JUST STOP JISUNG! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO SAY? THAT I FEEL WORTHLESS? THAT I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR?” 

Felix didn’t know how he had found the strength to scream back, tears staining his cheeks, morphing into sobs.

“Just stop… Please.” Those last words were said in a whisper, the younger boy not having the strength to keep up the volume. He felt like his legs were made of jelly, he had trouble standing. He hit the floor with his knees while still begging Jisung to stop, which he had already. He hadn’t uttered a single word since Felix had shouted at his to stop, he had realized what he had done. He had caused those sobs, he felt the guilt all over.

Just in that moment, Woojin burst into the room, probably deciding to interfere after he heard Felix yell. Upon seeing a crumpled, sobbing Felix on the floor, he collected him in his arms and hugged him tight. Felix clinged onto Woojin, crying his eyes out, Woojin was attempting to calm him down by murmuring things in his ear and playing with his hair. Jisung stared at them, dumbfounded, paralyzed until Chan came into the room and softly pulled Jisung out of the room, now fresh tears on his squirrel like cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm hi?   
> sorry for not updating!and sorry for the angst   
>  ive also been writing another story for my English class which is a horror story! Its kinda why i havent been posting a lot. The main character's name is Chris, he lives in Seoul and is a producer lol. maybe ill post it idk


End file.
